he didn’t hate him. there were a great number of things he could do but not one of them warranted any kind of hate. lucien was his light, his little miracle, one of the few things that made him feel whole. there was little in this world that would cause him to hate this child. disappoint and upset, sure, he could still be disappointed and upset with him.
the things in their home could easily be replaced. his son’s life couldn’t. that was the biggest reason for his disappointment at a time like this. ‘ i don’t hate you, lucien. ‘ as he speaks, he can’t help but find his voice cracking. it was the first he’d spoken since coming home the night before.
‘ i don’t ever want you to think that… alright ? ‘ no matter how he try, the sickening look of a hangover remained on his child’s face. lucien was to blame for that, but that didn’t mean it didn’t break his father’s heart to see him like this. ‘ i just… want to know why. ‘
❝Not now, dad,❞ he barely manages to hiccup, regretting the words already as they poured from his mouth. He knew he eventually had to explain what happened, but his throat burned with each gasp for breath, his voice a harsh croak, easily signifying that speaking was not MANAGEABLE at the moment. As guilty as Lucien felt, he knew that Damien would have to understand.
At least he didn’t hate him. At least there was still that. At least his father still loved him, and that in itself assured Lucien, things were going to be alright.
He found himself lurching forward again, barely making it to the toilet, sicker and SICKER he felt, anxiety curdling with alcohol in his gut, how could ANYONE stand to be around him like this? It was repulsive to even think that he…. … He fucked up so badly. Again, the thoughts would enter his mind UNWILLINGLY, it was irrational, yet he couldn’t find himself believing that anyone could want to put up with him at this point.
He gasps for air yet again, coughing violently. ❝I can explain later… I… I promise.❞
